Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
