Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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