I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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