Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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