She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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