dude i'm inner monologue high
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
