I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize