I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize