i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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