they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Randomize
