we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize