True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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