my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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