i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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