the condom got lost in my hair
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
