There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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