Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
