you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
