Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
