saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
