I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
