just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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