I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
