I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
