You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
