So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
