I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
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