I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
What a dumb baby whore.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
