Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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