Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
