I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
