you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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