Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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