don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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