I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
