i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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