Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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