I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
