so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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