my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
