Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize