I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
