you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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