a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
