Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
