one two three fourrrrnication!
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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