he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
