are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
