I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
