I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
