Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
