I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
