a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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