I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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