Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize