the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
