I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
