I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize