I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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