dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
