I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
