best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
